Up Your Butt

Last time on Hospital Drama: Girl with Health Problems Pees A Lot, Rachel visits her primary doctor with lower abdominal pain and an empty bladder. After a urine sample, the nurses order a CT scan for later that day. Later that day, she goes to the appointment and, confirming that they don’t need a urine sample, she pees. While drinking a white chalky liquid that aims to make her insides glow, Rachel read all of the Privacy Policies of the facility pretending that the liquid was a Beach Bum from Tropical Smoothie. It did not work. Directed to a small bathroom by a nurse, Rachel changes into a hospital gown and enters a large room with a giant plastic donut-shaped machine on one side of the room. (switching into first person now) Laying on the bed and staring into the autumn birch tree scene on the ceiling tiles above me, I wonder why they place this scene two feet behind my head rather than directly above it. The walls are painted Easter Egg purple and the little window in the wall between the radiation and the nurse has little butterflies and flowers on it. After taking my blood, sticking an IV of saline (and something else) in my arm, and gently placing a tube full of water up my butt, the scan is done in three or four minutes. One of the things they injected made my ears warm. It was both awesome and weird. After the scan came back positive for appendicitis, we went to the Emergency Room at our local hospital.
After waiting for 20 minutes or so, we (my Mom and I) saw a nurse who asked for a urine sample (empty bladder people), took blood (vampires do walk among us – ask my mother), and inserted the IV. While in the waiting room, we saw a cop fill out some paperwork and, knowing from all of the super informative and extremely accurate crime-fighting television I watch, I confirmed that there was either a car accident or a gun shot wound (yes, my Mom did make a gun with her fingers and go pow pow). Being a Mother, she was really nervous. I told her that while they were in there, I was going to suggest they remove any other non-vital parts such as my tonsils, my other kidney, any extra ribs, or perhaps my pinky toes – do we really use those for anything?
After a while more of waiting a random doctor in green scrubs walked us to the Emergency Bay commenting about how healthy and well I look along the way. We don’t usually get people with appendicitis looking like you. Thank you? The bed was dirty, so he changed it with a sheet that apparently had a permanent stain on it (blood, urine, or other)…He talked a lot, asked me questions, draped a sheet and a hospital gown on the bed, did some really awkward adjusting with the curtains and then just walked away. When I say awkward adjusting, I mean that he pulled the curtains to either side and left them wide open in the center. And when I say he just walked away, I mean that he didn’t even tell me to change. He just left. I changed anyway and we waited for 3-4 hours. During that time, my Dad had arrived at the hospital, got lost, but eventually found his way to the Emergency Room. Being a rebel and completely freaked out, my Mom had to have him with us.
Mom, It’s fine. He’ll get here eventually.
NO! It is not fine!!
She then stormed out (she literally stomped out like a 15 year old) and two minutes later came back with my Dad. Knowing that my early onset appendicitis wasn’t that big of a deal, I was fine with waiting and knew that there were people with a higher priority…in the Emergency Bay….right next door. I know this may sound horrible but it was like I was an extra on the set of House or General Hospital or Grey’s Anatomy – We were right. There was a gun shot wound. Through the sternum and ricocheted out her right shoulder. Signs were stable but no verbal response. Confusion hit the emergency bay. Until vital information was revealed: self-inflicted wound. Insane! Thankfully, she was fine. At one point during all of this my Mom said something ridiculous….I said Mom, You’re insane. Which prompted her to respond with Words create. I rebuke you!! Uh…what?!
Then, came my turn. Three people came to me eight times asking me for a urine sample. I peed when I was done with the CT Scan and as I am not allowed to drink anything, my bladder is empty. EMPTY. As in, nothing in there. After four hours, a new nurse came in and said You pee or we stick a catheter in you while you’re awake.
Where’s the bathroom again?
 My bladder magically filled as did the cup with pee and on my way back to the ER Bay, I felt like Dwight roaming through the Office holding a cup of his pee…except I was in a backless hospital gown. So they got their pee and I kept some (a little – hello, backless gown) of my dignity.
End of Part 01 (or is it part 2?)

During all of this, my sister went to the hospital and had a handsome little cowboy named John Wayne. I saw him for the first time yesterday. I decided to make what’s pictured below, as a digital scrapbook page celebrating his birth!!

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