How Much Urine Do They Need?

This has been a heck of a week..to say the least. Oh, and be forewarned – this is probably going to be close to a PG-13 post. OR just skip this next paragraph. Let me preface these stories with the following: Two weeks ago I went to the doctor for my yearly physical and then I went back again two days later informing them that the case of vertigo that I mentioned previously had gotten much worse. And despite the fact that I had informed them that they had given me a meningitis shot and the arm was still sore, the nurse took my blood pressure FIVE times on that arm. Seriously? They ordered blood work and I went on Saturday morning. And I can deal with needles, as long as I breathe deeply and look away while the needle goes in and then don’t look at the needle and then don’t look at the blood they are taking from me. The thing is… no one mentioned a urine sample. And I have a bladder of steel. It takes me hours until I have to pee. And I went there with an empty bladder. So, 6 apple juices and 30 ounces of water later, they got two ounces of pee. And I literally ran out before anyone called me back.

So, I had my first pap smear on Wednesday. Awkward, I know. Not as bad as everyone makes out. And they asked me for a urine sample. And they didn’t tell me beforehand. Is this a joke that doctors pull on unsuspecting patients (namely me)? Again, I had an empty bladder and I spent at least 20 minutes in the bathroom drinking from the sink and pacing…trying to pee. They also got only two ounces. When we (my Mom and I) were finally directed into one of the “examination” rooms (that has a whole new meaning now), they took us through the hallway and taped to every other door jamb was a little doll. At eye level, on the right side of the door jamb was a 4 inch Barbie-like doll with crazy Troll-hair. It was really weird. And I was honestly a little too scared to ask what it meant. Cause it was creepy. So, I sit down on the bed in one of the rooms and the walls and the counters all have detailed, colorful pictures and posters and informational packets of the female reproductive organs. I have always been a little disconcerted by large pictures of reproductive organs. Reminds me of that one time I went to biology class in college and projected on two thirty foot tall screens was a cross-section of male parts (yes, ladies and gentlemen, male parts). Just a little awkward (on both counts). My Mom didn’t know where to look. She was just staring at her knees, the whole time. And then when the gyno came in to do her stuff, my Mom was more nervous than I was. Maybe explain everything that you’re doing. This is her first time and I think it would be better if you just explained everything. While you’re doing it. So she’s not as nervous. I don’t really get nervous…about anything. I get impatient. But not nervous. I’m pretty chill. And the thing is, she didn’t explain and she was down there for like 5 minutes. We don’t know what she was doing…hunting for buried treasure or something. Hello. I promise there is nothing in there you have not already seen…all over the walls. She kept on stopping when I showed clear signs of pain. Do you want me to stop? My response: Are you kidding? No. Just get it done. I would hate to have to do this again. And what’s with doctor’s offices having orchids all over the place? Seriously? Cause all the posters and brochures aren’t bad enough. Yikes. So, there was that.

The two other appointments were with the Balance Doctor about my Vertigo. Really interesting. Maybe I’ll dedicate a post just to that. In a nutshell, they did a bunch of tests and determined that I have particles floating around in my ear canals that make everything wakadoo and they have a non-invasive, non-medicinal way to fix it.

I have two more to account for….okay, well…those two were the most important/critical, I suppose. I woke up on Friday morning with some lower abdominal pain and being raised right, I sucked it up and went to work. On the drive there, the pain got worse and started localizing to my lower right side. I worked for an hour and a half and then plugged my symptoms into WebMD and read several articles…I determined that I was either constipated or had appendicitis. I called my primary doctor’s office telling a nurse my symptoms who made an appointment for 10:15am the same day. I left work and made my way over there…and what do they ask me for? A urine sample, of course. And after finding white blood cells in there and informing them three times that I had not eaten anything that day – a CT Scan was ordered.

TO BE CONTINUED… Tune in next time for the CT Scan and what ensued afterwards!!

Remember how I mentioned the truck with the telephone poles outside and my joke about being a lumberjack? Photos:

 

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